Symbiosis
by MsHGolightly
Summary: "Symbiosis is close and often long-term interaction between two different biological species. Or rather, the living together of unlike organisms". There is something. Something she can feel but that she can't define. And it will change her life forever. Co-written with Tiara of Sapphires.
1. Prologue

_**Symbiosis**_

 _ **...**_

 _ **AN: Mshgolightly had this idea for a fic and after the tossing around of headcanons and such, it spun wildly out of control into a full-blown multi-chaptered thing. Co-written with**_ _ **Tiara_of_Sapphires (the enabler who wanted in on the action).  
This fic is not connected to the previous Alex/J'onn fics of either writer (but you should check them out). This is an entirely separate thing.**_ _**Read, Enjoy and Review! All feedback is much appreciated!**_ _**Disclaimer: Neither author owns Supergirl or any of the characters. This is all in good fun.**_

...

" _Red is the first color of spring. It's the real color of rebirth. Of beginning_."

...

 _ **Prologue**_

...

 _I... I am._

 _But… Who am I? What am I? I don't know. I don't know anything.  
I know I am. I know I am somewhere._

 _Where am I?_

 _I am- I am scared… Where am I? There is nothing here, nothing but myself._

 _I don't want to be here. But I am too small and the nothing is too big._

 _Everything is too quiet and too loud and too big and too small all the same time. This does not feel right. I should be...I should be…_

 _A terrible feeling takes hold of me. This isn't good. It can't possibly be good. What's this? I am surrounded by something that I cannot name or describe. It's not a part of me. If it's not part of me, what is it?_

 _It moves, small shifts, and I move with it. I have no control over myself._

 _I don't want to be here, in this endless nothingness. But I cannot do anything. I am helpless._

 _Then, I hear it. A muffled thump. And another one. And one more._

 _A series of matching beating sounds, building up a sort of odd and yet reassuring rhythm, coming from somewhere above me. No, not just above me, it's around me, surrounding me. It feels close to me. It feels_ good _. And I know that if I hear a beat, I will hear another and another and another. I know that.  
I don't know what the source of the sound is. It does not get closer to me, even though it feels very close to me. Nothing around me changes. I am still small and surrounded by sound and nothing. _

_I know this: I am not alone. That is a certainty, probably the only one I have._

 _Something is here. Something that I want to reach for but can't. It's too large, too far away. But I know that it's there, waiting for me, even if it doesn't know I'm here, wherever here is. Or maybe it does know I am here, but it can't reach me._

 _But it is good. I know this. There is no other explanation._

 _The sound is good._

 _A sort of quiet comes over me, in time with the sound. It is a good quiet. Not like the loud quiet I felt before._

 _I want to know what the sound is._

 _..._

 _ **Thank you so much for reading! All feedback is greatly appreciated.  
The next chapter will come a few days!**_

 _ **Cheers!  
mshgolightly and Tiara of Sapphires**_


	2. Awakening

_**AN: And, just like that, we are back!**_

 _ **Thank you to all who gave us feedback and all those nice things! It is much appreciated!**_

 _ **Enjoy!**_

 _ **Disclaimer: Neither author owns Supergirl or any of its characters. (If we did, Halex would be canon, J'onn J'onzz would be in the DCEU, and we would both be rich).**_

 _ **...**_

 _ **Chapter 1: Awakening**_

…

Alex lurches into a sitting position, breathing heavily and feeling disoriented. That _feeling_ , it was so vivid only a moment ago, but it is gone.

No, it is still there. Faint, like a shadow.

"Alex?" Kara turns toward her sister, "Are you okay?"

She blinks, remembering where she is: Kara's apartment. They are on her couch, _Game of Thrones_ playing loudly on the television screen.

Alex nods, running her hand through her hair. It would be useless to lie to Kara. She could hear how fast Alex's heart is beating. "Yeah, I _guess_ ," she closes her eyes, feeling a little dizzy. "I was drifting off and I must have been dreaming or something. I feel a bit foggy, honestly."

Kara gives her a quizzical look, expecting something more. Alex gives a hint of a smile and tenderly squeezes her sister's arm.

"Don't worry Kara, I am already feeling better. I only need to sleep."

They both need the quiet time, especially spent together. They deserved it, after all the panic and pain caused by Myriad. It has been a month since Non had been defeated, but the aftershocks are still being felt around the world. The DEO had been working for weeks on undoing the damage done to National City.

It had been a mess; the entire thing had been a mess. The fate of the entire world, every human on the planet, hinged on so few. They were lucky to make it out alive.

"If you say so," Kara finally replies. "But you are going to stay here tonight."

"Okay, as you wish," Alex agrees and pinches Kara's nose. She doesn't want her to worry but, truth to be told, she really is confused. But this is something she could work out on her own. Kara has suffered enough. There is no need for her to get involved.

It's as if she has been dreaming but the feelings were so real.

Confusion, fear, followed by a kind of sense of peace. It was as though someone - or something- was trying to communicate with her, asking for her attention. It was strange but somehow familiar, like a part of herself that had fallen asleep for a long time suddenly decided to wake up.

But it disappeared after she snapped back to reality.

Alex shakes her head, convincing herself she is only very tired. There were many reasons why she had been kept up at night, a certain Martian being one of them.

She flushes at the sudden memories, hoping that Kara would not catch her. But the blonde's eyes are glued to the television screen, her sister's reaction unnoticed.  
Alex stamps out the lingering unease, determined to enjoy this night with her sister. They both deserve something to not go horribly wrong in their lives for once.

And yet, she feels like she is missing something very important.

…

"Coffee for me and Chocos for you," Alex hands him the package of cookies, smiling. "Only an alien would have cookies for breakfast. Ah, the things I do for you!"

J'onn chuckles, shaking his head.

He is seated at the desk in his office, being there since dawn, while Alex has just arrived to the DEO facilities.

They still have a lot of work to do, after all that happened because of Myriad. At least, they aren't fugitives anymore.

Because of their help, risking their lives for the sake of humankind, they had been cleared from their charges and could come back to their jobs and old lives.

Basically, the only difference is that now Lucy works with them, willingly accepting her new role of agent and giving back to J'onn his old position as director of the DEO.

He has led the secret organization in an exemplary manner for the past ten years and he was right, after all. He is an alien and who may ever be better than him for running a governing agency created to monitor and prevent any alien threats?

"How was last night? Did you spend the night at Kara's?" he asks Alex, as she takes a seat in the chair in front of his desk, sipping blissfully at her coffee.

"Yep, it was late and I wanted to sleep there. Kara insisted," she replies.

She wisely decides to skirt his first question and hiding the strange sensations she felt the night before. He will know if she lied to him.

J'onn tends to be overprotective and she knows there is nothing wrong with her. There is no need to worry him.

Maybe she was only very tired. And lack of sleep may play nasty tricks on people.

Honestly, she still feels dizzy and as if she is missing a piece of herself. She tells herself it's only PMS, nothing to worry about.

"And you know what?" she teases him, as he swallows a mouthful of cookie. "Sometimes having a whole night of sleep is quite refreshing, even if I missed you."

She giggles and he grins. They have spent basically every night together for almost two months now. Their relationship is still so fresh and new that they can't help but take every opportunity to tear their clothes off, their bodies joining and becoming one.

Being stabbed by Indigo, almost dying, _Alex_ almost dying, all of these events had completely changed J'onn's opinion about his relationship with Alex. He used to think he was a lecher and a bad person for loving her and wanting her like that but what they had, what they have, is something special and precious and they have to preserve it, especially after all the pain and suffer they both had lived.

He clearly remember their first kiss, just after the White Martian's attack and how he had turned her down, pretending it had never happened. And then, when they were on the run, the building tension eventually exploded and all their feelings for each other came out.

Sometimes, he is still afraid that Alex had acted on the spur of the moment and would regret that, would regret _him_.

Then he looks at her, just like in this moment, wrinkling her nose and staring at him with an expression which is so full of love and trust, that he can't help but wonder what he could have done to deserve her.

"I missed you too," he replies even though he would want to say so much more. "I've become quite fond of you, you know."

Alex smiles and put her coffee mug on the desk.

Then, she bends toward him, until they are mere inches apart and cups his cheek.

"I am quite fond of you too, Director J'onzz," she then whispers and softly pecks his lips. "Good morning."

"Good morning, Agent Danvers," he replies back against her mouth.

...

The call is sent out a few hours later: some alien, Alex can't pronounce the species name even if she tried, is holed up in a warehouse west of the city. Right next to a junkyard, because apparently it is the kind of alien that likes eating human garbage.

Alex stopped being surprised at the things aliens did a long time ago, but come on.

In theory, the species was peaceful. In fact, no one knew that anything alien lived in that old warehouse until it attacked several workers that crossed into its territory.

After that incident, it was time for the DEO to intervene. And of course Kara wants in on the mission.

J'onn assigns Alex and six agents to the mission. They are not entirely sure what they are up against, how strong this alien is, so they were making sure they had enough people to back up Supergirl if things were going wrong.

Kara has no problem with that and seems to have forgotten about the funny feelings Alex had the night before. She does not suggest that Alex sit out because she is 'ill'. And Alex is grateful for it. No need to bring up anything. Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine.

J'onn gives her a look, as she turns to leave. It's that one look he always gives her whenever she is about to go on a mission since they got together. It says ' _Be safe. Come home to me_.' She nods back with a faint smile. There had been enough times when they were not sure they would ever see each other again. This mission is not high-risk, at least not in theory. It does not hurt to be cautious.

They drive to the outskirts of the city, stopping a little ways away from where the alien is holed up.

Alex hops out of the car and the rest of the agents gather around for her to give them their assignments. She already knows what they are going to do. Box the alien in while Supergirl subdues him.

Easy.

But Alex feels...

She feels cold and clammy, the world tilting to and fro. It is unsettlingly familiar.

"Agent Danvers, your orders?"

She snaps back into focus with a tiny jerk, forcing down the sudden ill sensation. In her tactical gear, it is unlikely that any of the agents noticed anything amiss. Just a small lapse in attention. Nothing major, nothing to worry about.

Whatever is wrong with her is not going to interfere with her mission. She will not allow it

"Yes. We will provide support for Supergirl. Hunt and Chen, to the right side entrance. Caswell and Melcon, to the left. Dall and Ryan, with me. We go down the center."

Her hand is firm around her assault rifle, leading the charge like she always does. She does not think. She does not feel. She acts.

The front door comes down with a mighty crash as Kara tears a hole through the roof. The Kryptonian punches the alien before he has the chance to process what is happening.

"Supergirl has it handled," Alex breaths in relief as Kara gets into it.

She stays sharp, ready to get out of the way if the fight got too close. Soon, Kara has the alien subdued.

Adrenaline drains out of Alex and the world tips again, this time less pronounced. No one notices, focusing on securing their prisoner and heading back to base. She does the same, steeling herself.  
"Not bad, Supergirl," Alex compliments when her sister gets close.

Kara puffs out her chest in mock pride. "What can I say? I am the best."

She is barely winded from the fight, Alex notes. Alex feels like she had just run a marathon and she didn't do anything.

It is obviously more of the same from the night before. If Kara sees something in her sister, she does not comment and Alex is grateful for that. If there is something wrong, she would much rather Kara bring it up in private and not around her colleagues.

No, she is not going to the doctor. She is fine. She just needs to take some pain medication or something and she will be fine.

Alex keeps on telling herself that until she accepts it as truth.

She just wants to get home and be with J'onn.

…

 _Four weeks ago_

Alex knew that Kara suspected something. Maybe it was the dopey smile on her face coupled with the nervousness of what she was about to reveal. It had to happen. She could not hide this forever. She did not want to. She was not ashamed of what she was doing.  
"Kara, I have something to tell you," Alex said slowly.

Here goes nothing.

"So when J'onn and I were on the run… we kind of… _gotinarelationship_."

The words spilled out in a jumbled mess.

Kara stared, uncomprehending. "Wait, what?"

Alex took in a breath and released it in a _whoosh_.

"I am in a relationship with J'onn."

"What? You are doing _what_ with _who_?!" Kara yelled as soon as Alex finished her sentence.  
Of course that was her initial reaction. Alex hissed, "Keep your voice down."  
"You and _J'onn_?" Kara continued, this time a bit quieter. "You and your boss, the freaking Martian? Are you serious?"

Alex crossed her arms and said stiffly, "I am very serious. Why would I joke about this?"

Kara sputtered, tossing her hands into the air.

"B-but that's _gross_. Come on, he's- I mean, he's _J'onn_!" Kara exclaimed, grimacing.

Alex could see the wheels turning in her sister's mind: probably imagining Alex and J'onn doing something romantic and couple-y. Alex frowned, her eyes sparking defensively.  
She had been expecting this.  
And honestly she could even understand Kara's bewilderment. It wasn't like Alex ever confided in Kara about any romantic or sexual attraction towards J'onn. So this was obviously unexpected for her. But to see the near-disgust on Kara's face hurt.

"Is this because underneath Hank Henshaw… he's green with red eyes?"

Kara recoiled.

"Of course not! Why would you- _I_ am an alien too, Alex. I am with James and he is a human. There is nothing wrong with- _oh_." Kara visibly deflated, clearly ashamed with herself. "I guess there is not much of a difference, is there?"

Alex shrugged, tilting her head to the side.

"It's only that he is J'onn, Martian and director of the DEO. He is a friend. I didn't know you'd see him in _that_ way… Does he make you happy?" Kara finally asked softly.

That seemed to be the most important question. Alex wished that it had been the first one that left Kara's mouth when she told her about her relationship. She smiled.

"Yeah, he does."

Kara nods, as if satisfied with her answer.

"So this happened when you were on the run?"

Alex cringed, just a little. It was yet another secret that she kept from Kara that she had to own up to.

" _Well_ , I kind of kissed him right after the whole thing with the White Martian." Kara's eyes widened. It had happened months ago! And Alex promptly added, "But nothing really happened until we were on the run."  
Kara could figure out what Alex meant by the sudden glazed-over look in her eyes.

Silence fell again, both women lost in their own thoughts.

"So… do you guys have sex, or what?"

Alex gasped and smacked Kara's arm, heat rising in her face.

"None of your business!"

Kara raised an eyebrow, watching her sister turn red.

" _You do_? Wow. So… are Martians… good in bed?"

Alex covered her face with a pillow and yelled, "Again, none of your business!"

…

 _Present day_

J'onn hisses as her nails rake down his back and he covers her mouth with his, kissing her hard and deep, his tongue mimicking the movements of his lower body, as he is thrusting steadily in and out of her. Alex moans and her back bows when he reaches down where their bodies are joined, rubbing and stroking and driving her half-mad with pleasure.

He breathes heavily in her ear, bracing himself above her body and watching her flushed face, her closed eyes and her parted lips, as she cries out softly every time he sinks into her. Her body is slick with sweat and the bed sheets are damp and twisted beneath her. J'onn learned what Alex loves a long time ago, memorized every inch of her form, determined to be the best lover for her, to worship her thin and soft body.

So he moves, in and out, over and over again, his body rocking on the top of hers, his hips pressing to hers and his lips latching to the side of her throat. Alex arches her back, asking for more, her inner muscles squeezing him and he chokes a groan. He can never get enough of her, just as she can never get enough of him. It feels so good to be desired in this way, to have her look at him in a way that no one else gets to see.

Her hands cup his cheeks, guiding his mouth toward hers and they kiss fiercely. J'onn presses a hand against the headboard of the bed, while he holds himself up with the other. He begins thrusting in quickly but then, pulling his hips back, he moves slowly - maybe _too_ slowly- allowing her to feel everything, every single inch as he moves through her tight channel.

"Oh, _J'onn_ ," she huffs against his lips, struggling to keep her eyes open, wanting to watch him moving above her but it's too good and too much. "Just like that, keep going just like that."

His mouth leaves hers, kissing and nipping the column of her neck, until it finds her right breast. Here, he peppers it with open-mouthed kisses, his tongue swirling and his teeth scraping gently and her moans become louder, her hands going to his head, gripping his hair and holding onto him.

Suddenly he pulls away, stopping his movements and lifting himself up on his knees.

He is still inside her and looks at her breasts, cupping them softly.

"That's interesting," he notices and Alex snaps her eyes open.

" _What_?" she whines, she had been so close and he decided to stop out of the blue. "And _why_ did you stop?"

J'onn is a big fan of Alex's breasts and had detailedly memorized them a long time ago. They are small and firm, and they usually fit his hands perfectly.

Now, as he is massaging and palming them, there is something about them that he isn't imagining.

"Nothing… It's just they are fuller, and a bit bigger."

" _Huh_ , I am about to get my period, they sometimes swell," she shrugs and then she tightens around him, pushing him to continue.

J'onn nods, pressing a kiss on her breast, and then he put his hands on her hips, grabbing them and lifting her body just enough to rest her bottom on his thighs.

"Oh," Alex blissfully gasps, closing her eyes and holding onto his forearms.

He starts moving again, pumping in and out of her and her toes actually curl.

She is so tight and hot around him that J'onn can't get enough.

Alex is panting and her right hand drops down, touching herself and he growls, looking down, hypnotized by her ministrations to her body.

That drives him crazy and he begins thrusting as hard, knowing she can take it, that she is practically bouncing over him.

" _J'onn_ ," she finally cries out and her body goes stiff for a moment, before trembling. He feels his muscles strain and freeze and, as she is milking him, he comes too, emptying himself inside her, her body arching at the sensation.

They are both drained and he nearly collapses on her but doesn't want to crush her and so he falls onto his stomach next to her, and Alex immediately rolls toward him, both of them still panting and shaking.

She presses a kiss to his shoulder and nuzzles her nose against his cheek.

"That was mind-blowing," she whispers and J'onn can't help but grin, agreeing and feeling proud of himself. "Just warning you, I'm giving you a few moments before having you again."

"How is _that_ possible?" J'onn frowns, "I am the one with the super-strength here, and I'm completely worn out. Also, I _obviously_ failed my job if you are already ready for another round."

"Shut up, it has been great, as always," Alex giggles, tenderly kissing his jaw and running her hand up and down his back. "Just… You know how horny I am right before my period."

"So, you just want to use me for your own satisfaction?" he asks and Alex laughs breathlessly.

"You _love_ when I use you," she teases him and then she pushes his shoulder, making him roll onto his back.

She is immediately on him, straddling his legs and sliding her hands up his thighs. " _Besides_ , I'll make it worth your while," she smiles, and then leans down, kissing his navel and taking him between her hands.

…

 _I can still hear it. The thumping.  
I realize quickly that it is not entirely a constant thing like I initially thought, not a constant rhythm. Sometimes the thumping slows, lulling me into a similarly relaxed state. Sometimes the thumping is fast and I cannot help but feel excited in turn.  
It is like me. I know it. It changes like I do. _

_I cannot make sounds like that. I cannot make sounds at all. Maybe that is why the thumping is not trying to connect with me. It does not understand me. I cannot understand it either, but maybe if I made sounds like it, it would notice me._

 _I just don't know how.  
But I will learn. I can feel it._

...

 _ **Thank you so much for reading! All feedback is appreciated!**_

 _ **Cheers!**_

 _ **~Mshgolightly and Tiara of Sapphires**_


	3. Breaking Bread

_**AN: It hasn't been a month since we updated. Nope. Definitely not.  
Thank you so much to all who gave feedback!  
Read, Enjoy and Review! All feedback is much appreciated!  
Disclaimer: Neither author owns Supergirl or any of its characters. (If we did, Halex would be canon, J'onn J'onzz would be in the DCCU, and we would both be rich).**_

 _…_

 _ **Chapter 2: Breaking Bread**_

...

 _Four months ago_

It was over. The White Martian was in custody.  
J'onn still felt like his entire world had shifted, leaving him reeling. Decades of ugly memories that he wanted to keep buried had come up in the span of a day.  
It started when the White Martians overwhelmed the city where he and his family lived. And he remembered how his wife and children called out to him when they were separated. And he remembered when their connection, the familial telepathic connection that kept them all linked together, snapped, one link at a time, until it was only him. The empty void in his mind where his family once was should have driven him mad. Feeling all of that suffering should have driven him mad. He should have died on Mars.

But he _didn't_. Somehow he survived. By the grace of H'ronmeer, he made it to Earth. But it was a life of lies and fear. He had barely lived until he met Jeremiah Danvers, running for his life like a hunted animal. Jeremiah, the man who gave him a purpose, a second chance.

He was a fool for thinking that he would be able to live in this blissful freedom forever. His past came back to haunt him in the worst way it possibly could.  
The murderers came for him. And of course the Danvers sisters would be used against him.  
As if he summoned her, Alex rounded the corner, approaching him.  
 _Alex_. The potential collateral to his failure. If she had died, he was not sure what he would have done.  
No, he _knew_ what he would have done. Kara wouldn't have been able to talk him out of killing that monster if it had killed Alex. He would have slit its throat without any regrets.

Alex was not only his second in command, she was something more, _a lot_ more.

Sometimes he wondered about the true nature of their relationship, not strictly professional, but not too personal. Not yet.

He almost swore at this last thought. He had to keep the distance with her. He had made a promise to her father, to protect at watch over her.

And that was what he had been doing for the past years, since he had come back from Peru.

Initially he had followed the lives of Alex and Kara - but more Alex's- in secret. Then, when she had been completely gone out of the rails and was going to practically waste her life, he had revealed himself.

"How are you feeling?" she suddenly asked, lightly touching his forearm.

J'onn stared at her, his eyes full of sorrow and anger.

He didn't want to show this aspect of him to her, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't control his feelings.

Alex tilted her head to a side, and then she said, "I'll take you to dinner. My treat."  
J'onn was bewildered. He couldn't accept, so he opened his mouth to refuse, give an excuse. She should be sleeping and recovering. Medical had cleared her to leave, but still.  
"Alex, I-."

Besides he didn't trust himself to be around her like that. It was not as though he thought he could actually hurt her, because it wasn't possible. But he felt too vulnerable and weak.  
"I'm taking you to dinner," Alex stated, now allowing no room for argument.  
Her stubbornness made him want to smile, despite the fact it felt like something was rotting and dying inside of him.

Alex Danvers was a feisty woman and he found himself incapable of refusing her.  
"Very well," he finally agreed.  
J'onn didn't remember changing into his civilian clothes, nor the way until the restaurant. Alex had been in charge of everything, her presence a beacon of light in the darkness.

It was relatively a nice place, out of the way, unlikely for them to be recognized.

They followed the waitress until their table and they sat, Alex started to attentively study the menu, while J'onn was focused on studying _her_.

Why had he accepted her invitation? It was inappropriate and wrong. Maybe he should leave, maybe he should-

"I think we should order the steaks. It's been a long day and I think we deserve it," she suggested and J'onn shook his head, a little embarrassed.

"I don't eat steaks, or animals," he explained, scratching his ear. "I am a… a vegetarian."

"Oh," Alex stood still, bewildered by his statement. "I didn't know that. Well, that's awkward. I've just brought you in the best steakhouse of National City and you're a vegetarian."

She giggled, rolling her eyes and J'onn couldn't help but smile too. His first genuine smile since the appearance of the White Martian.

"Don't worry," he reassured her, touching her hand, which was resting on the table. "We didn't use to eat other living beings on Mars."

And then, Alex looked at him, truly _looked_ at him, tilting her head on her side and blushing a little and he was hypnotized by her. Something crackled in the air and his fingers were still on the back of her hand and-

"Are you ready to order?"

A cheerful waitress, with red hair and a freckled face, just appeared beside their table.

Alex coughed and J'onn immediately pulled his hand back.

It seemed as though he had lost his free will around her, caught in an unstoppable current.

He knew he didn't have to accept, he wasn't controlling his own actions. But as he was still mentally swearing at himself and at his weakness, apparently Alex has just ordered for them both.

She was resolute and sometimes a little bossy too. He had always liked this aspect of her personality.

Honestly, he didn't remember what happened next.

They ate in silence, but it was comfortable. It was as though no words were needed, as long as they were together.

Martian and human, sitting together, having dinner. He almost laughed at that, the absurdity of the idea.

But still, if anyone had looked at them, they would have seen a couple, sharing their dinner.

"I didn't know so much about Mars," she eventually said, sipping at her glass of red wine. "I-I am sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable."

"I'm not," J'onn promptly replied. "You didn't make me uncomfortable, Alex. Don't be sorry; you couldn't have known that."

"Yep, but still-" she added, shifting on her seat.

"Do you want me to tell you my story, Alex?" he asked, gazing intently at her and for the second time that evening, she blushed again.

"What do you want to know?" he asked again.

"Anything," she shrugged. "Everything," she then modified.

He hadn't answered yet. What could he say to that? Telling her more definitely overstepped the boundaries of their relationship. It was not the best time to talk about this, everything so raw and painful. But this was _Alex_.

She was going to apologize again. He could see it. So, he spoke.

"I already told you about the sad things. There are many _more_ sad things I could tell you about," he paused, his voice trembled a little and his eyes were lost in his memories. "What it was like in the camps. When I was on the run."  
He shook himself out of it. Alex didn't need to hear them, not yet. And he didn't want to talk about it. "Do you want me to tell you something… happy?"

She nodded, her eyes sparkling with eagerness.

And so he started talking about his life and his job and, above all, about his family.

It was the first time he had opened himself with anyone after leaving Mars. and honestly, he couldn't imagine himself talking about it with anybody but her.

Hours passed, the dull roar of the busy steakhouse petering off to a whisper as people began to clear out.

It was when Alex stifled a yawn that J'onn realized the time. It was late. And they had such a stressful day.

They left the restaurant and, as promised, Alex paid, actually snatching the check from the waiter before he could think to reach for it. She said that _he will pay the next time_.  
The next time? She wanted there to be a next time?

He insisted to drive her home though. They had used a SUV belonged to the DEO to come to the steakhouse, and so he could bring it back at work in the morning.  
It was logistics. Nothing more than that.

He drove in silence as Alex was humming softly along with the radio. She never left the corner of his eye. Lights from the street streamed in, shining fetchingly against her profile.

Alex was beautiful, he thought that both as human and as Martian. It was an undeniable fact.

They arrived to her apartment, it was an old and a bit fancy building.

"Here we are," she said, unfastening her seatbelt and turning toward him. It was as though she didn't want to leave him. "Let me know when you arrive at your place, please."

He nodded, looking at her as well.

"Rest," he stated, with a little concern in his voice. "It has been a long and exhausting day… Besides, you got hurt. You got hurt because of me."  
"I got hurt because I was doing my job," she promptly replied, correcting him.

"Yeah, but if I weren't here, the White Martian would have never showed up. It was my fault."

Alex shook her head. "Don't be silly. We are under attack every day and face a lot of threats. And you are our best resource, to be honest."

J'onn gave her a rueful smile.

"You risked your life earlier," she added, speaking slowly and faintly. "You shouldn't have done that." Alex shook her head again. "You shouldn't have risked your life for mine. I'm not worth the extinction of your people."  
J'onn raised his eyebrows, she couldn't be serious.  
"Do you really believe that you are worth that little to me?" he whispered.  
Alex stared at him, shocked. There was a pause, a heavy silence, the air thick enough to choke on.  
It could have been a second, a minute of silence. But in the next moment, her arms were flung around his neck, his hands pressed to her back, pulling their bodies together.  
She kissed him. He kissed her. He wasn't sure who initiated, but the tension had built to a boiling point and snapped and what could they do?  
He had dreamt about this moment more times than he cared to admit.  
And it was happening. She was in his arms, embracing _him_ , kissing _him_.  
This was real. This was actually happening. This was...actually happening.  
Alex sighed against his mouth, pressing closer to him. That sound was quiet and needy. It should have made his heart race faster and want to find the nearest horizontal surface, but it tore through him like a thunderbolt, turning his blood to ice.  
What was he _doing_?  
He recoiled, breaking the kiss, looking at Alex's face and not seeing anything.  
This was not how their relationship was supposed to be like. He was not supposed to cross that line. And he forgot about that boundary in that moment of weakness, smashed it and destroyed with abandon.  
She was going to pull away. She was going to spurn him. She was going to leave him because he was hurting and couldn't help but find solace in the one he would willingly die for.  
And yet...she was still touching him. The heat of her skin burned through him, cleansing and damning.  
"J'onn?" Innocent confusion colored the word in a way that made him shiver. She was still almost draped in his lap and J'onn could only stiffen, reign himself in, close himself off.  
Alex. Alex, _why_ are you doing this to me?  
"I shouldn't have done that. Alex. I'm sorry."  
He could feel the walls coming down between them and Alex looked stricken. She pulled away and he immediately missed the warmth, regretted opening his mouth. But that moment had been wrong. She shouldn't be with him. He shouldn't feel this way.  
J'onn turned back to face forward, not looking as she got out of the car, not flinching as the door shut.  
And he drove away.

…

 _Present Day_

The sense of dizziness hasn't abandoned her and it's beginning to be draining.

Maybe there is something wrong with, or maybe she just needs to rest.

It's been in a whirlwind for the past several months.

Too many things happened, one after another. Crises and battles. Near-apocalyptic disasters.

Since Kara revealed herself to the world, they have had to fight so many threats and dangers.

Not to mention all the painful and emotional moments.

Discovering about Project CADMUS and her father being still alive affected her most.

Alex had been devastated by Jeremiah's disappearance and death. She still remembers the sense of loss, and sorrow and even betrayal she had felt, almost twelve years ago. He left and he never came back. He was _supposed_ to come back. He wasn't supposed to _die_.

But then, she focused on her studies, wanting to make him proud, to be just like him, to devote her entire life to research.

And she succeeded. Even if she actually went out of the rails and was almost going to quit everything, she eventually succeeded. Thanks to J'onn, above all.

She had been indeed the best of her classes, she graduated with flying colors and at just twenty-three years old she had been able to obtain a PhD in bioengineering.

And after all this time, she discovered her father was still alive.  
They searched. She and J'onn searched for a sign of CADMUS, where their facilities might be. It was a lot more difficult than they had imagined.  
They used to think that the DEO was the biggest secret that the US government hid. Apparently, there was something uglier, more covert, hiding in the shadows. There were only whispers hidden in the files that they could obtain. Lucy herself didn't know much about it, nor where the facilities are located. All that they have so far, it's just a name. Amanda Waller.  
A woman who didn't exist. All of the government databases say that there had never been an employee with that name. And all of the people who share that name couldn't possibly be her.  
It is a sliver of an answer, only bring a hundred more new questions.

Once they had been reinstated at the DEO, they decided to keep doing their search but to not expose themselves too much.

It is dangerous.

Alex is terrified, to be honest. Not for herself, but for Kara and J'onn.

They are the two most important people in her life and they are probably the most appealing prey for CADMUS.  
But of course the two aliens told her not to worry.  
"Hopefully, they assumed we were simply on the run, not also looking into their activities," J'onn says, crossing his arms. "We should lay low for now. They may be watching us."  
Kara mirrors him, face twisting in defiance. "We can't stop now. Every minute we leave this alone, the deeper they can bury themselves."  
"I'm not saying we stop. I'm saying we don't make ourselves obvious."  
The blonde exhales through her nose, irritated. She turns to her sister, hoping for some backup, but Alex is staring at nothing. She waves a hand in her field of vision.  
"Alex, you okay? You're being quiet."  
Alex blinks, startled back to reality. She pinches the bridge of her nose, sighing. "I'm fine. I agree with J'onn. We should be careful."  
She doesn't see J'onn and Kara exchange a worried glance.

...

Alex is curled up on the floor of the terrace on the roof of her condo, wrapped up in several blankets. It's not as though Californian weather is too cold, especially in May, but it's night and she was actually shivering when she had come back home some hours ago.  
Although she is feeling very tired and that sense of dizziness hasn't abandoned her yet, she wasn't able to sleep. So, she climbed to the roof to look at the stars. Since she was a little child, she has always been fascinated by galaxies and constellations and she used to stare at the sky with her father all the time, until his sudden disappearance.

She feels relaxed and is actually starting to drift off, when she hears some footsteps coming from the stairs. Her hand immediately goes toward her gun, sitting on the floor beside her.  
"You scared me," she frowns, seeing J'onn approaching her with a brown bag in his hand.  
"Sorry," he says, raising his free hand in mock surrender. Alex relaxes again and she lifts the hem of the blanket, inviting him to lie down next to her.

"How do you know I was here?"  
J'onn chuckles at the absurdity of her question, raising an eyebrow.

He always knows where she is. It's not as though he is always inside her mind, because he isn't. It's more like a sensation, all he has to do is thinking about her and he simply knows where she is and how she is feeling.  
He used to have a link like that with his wife, back on Mars. Martian relationships worked in this way, a deep mental bond was set between lovers, family members and the closest friends. He doesn't know if it could possibly be the same with Alex, since she is human, but he can tell there is a kind of strong connection between them. And he knows there is something wrong, he feels she is upset. It is subtle, not as obvious as the emotions he normally feels radiating off of her. He doesn't want to push her, though.  
So he doesn't say anything and just sits comfortably next to her, thoughtfully putting his arm around her shoulder, embracing her. Alex instantly melts against him, resting her head on the spot between his shoulder and his chest, realizing just now how much she was craving his touch.

"Thank you for coming," she whispers. "You always know better than me what I really need. And right now, I really need you." She stares up at him and he smiles before bending down and softly kissing her.

Alex closes her eyes and puts her right hand on his cheek, immediately responding to his kiss. It's sweet and tender and she loves all the shades their relationship may assume. Sometimes it's passionate and almost rough, both of them craving each other's touch and being too desperate to be together. But then, there are also moments like this, soft and quiet, no words needed to be said. J'onn ends the kiss and he pecks her forehead before tighten his grip on her.  
"I brought some food too," he adds, lifting the bag. "I had a feeling you haven't eaten. Chicken tenders and mac and cheese from your favorite diner, just beside the pier."

"You are a lifesaver," Alex grins at him, pressing her cheek against his chest.

They eat in silence, J'onn not touching the chicken. It was one of the things Alex was thankful for about having a vegetarian boyfriend: he wouldn't eat her food.

As soon as they have finished, J'onn puts away the bag and the empty boxes of the takeout and they tangle together, looking at the sky.

"Tell me something about Mars," she whispers, as he strokes her hair.

"What do you want to know?" he asks.

Mars has always been a tough topic for him, probably would always be. There are good memories, but there is also a lot of pain. He doesn't like to dwell on the pain. But with Alex, he feels relaxed, the good things more bright and obvious. He can be open with her about his old life, without fear.

"Everything," she shrugs, kissing his chin tenderly .

He smiles at her and he starts to talk, his deep voice lulling her to sleep.

...

 _It's strange._

 _Being here is both relaxing and frustrating._

 _I feel protected and safe. But sometimes there is panic and fear too._

 _I know I am not alone but I can't help the sense of loneliness that sometimes overwhelms me._

 _I can always hear the thumping and it is my only company. But I can hear other things too. They are not as close and clear as the constant beating but there are other noises too, coming from all around me.  
I am not sure if those noises are real. The thumping is real. I know that. I can feel it just as well as hear it. But the other noises are just noises. I could be just imagining them, trying to make up something different from the thumping. _

_I am still silent._

 _I tried to move and to make sounds but nothing happened, nothing came too. Frustrating._

 _I hope things will change soon, I can feel it._

 _And then, the thing will know about me. It will care about me. Just as I care about it now._

…

 _ **AN: Thank you so much for reading! Hopefully, the next update doesn't take forever.  
All feedback is appreciated!  
Cheers!**_

 _ **~Mshgolightly and Tiara of Sapphires**_


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